Fantasy Cricket

This was written, over by over, between Andy 'My Friend Otto' Banks, Phil 'Dancing Phil' Powell and myself when the England-Windies game was rained off. I actually think it's a lot better than real cricket. Anyone who knows what they are talking about is welcome to add another over in the comments - this does not include Jeremy on account of him being Australian.

Over 1
WICKET! - Strauss claims his first golden duck of the series. At least he's consistent. Vaughan steps up like a graceful yet somehow mechanical and boring puppet. He pads a few away, one falls short and pitches up plumb for the slapping, but Vaughan defends, actually shouting, "Safety first!" as he does so. Cook rolls his eyes. Interesting email here from Thinky McGenius, "Wouldn't it make sense to have Collingwood as one-day captain?" Sounds like good advice to me - what do you think?

Over 2
OBO is reminded that test matches are supposed to last for five days, and when you lose a wicket to the first ball of the match, it’s worth thinking of the bigger picture rather than chasing every half-chance for runs. Vaughan once again demonstrates his astute captaincy by valuing the team rather than his own run rate. On the Collingwood issue, the general consensus in the inbox is that everyone seems to have forgotten that prior to the commonwealth bank series and the world cup, Mr Vaughan hadn’t played first class cricket for 18 months which is approximately the same amount of time since OBO last got laid. There are bound to be problems when you’re coming back from such a lay off. “Collingwood is a key bowler and batsmen and fielder in the one day side,” observes Mia Buttreaks. “Look what happened last time such a key man was made skipper, the last Ashes tour anyone?” Quite. On the field, Cook scores consecutive fours using his monobrow instead of his bat. Unorthodox!

Over 3
WICKET! - Vaughan falls. He's blocking the shot before it's even out of the bowler's hand and a bouncer ricochets of the shoulder of his bat into his grille, forcing metal to cut up his stupid face, and into silly point's diving hands. KP steps up, improving the run rate 200% by getting a sensible test rate of 2 an over rather than none. Very steady KP! Cook says something, causing the umpire to fall momentarily asleep. "What we need from a one-day captain is energy, belief in the team (rather than self-belief which I admit Vaughan has mistakenly in spades) and to lead by example. For me, Collingwood has proved he should at least be made Vice, if not full captain of the one-day side." Good words Mr. Iknoweverythingaboutcricket.

Over 4.
"Now these batsmen," says Geoff 'Two tins of Stella and a sleeveless vest, please' Boycott. "These batsmen don't want to score runs. That's not how you play cricket. How can you possibly hope to win a game if you score runs? They want to not get out, that's what they want. Look at me. I never got out. Not once, me. Concentrate on not getting out, and then maybe on day three or four, they can think about squaring their shoulders and looking for a quick single. But they don't want to score any runs, no." Alistair Cook unrolls his sleeping bag and opens a good book.

Over 5
Pietersen has gently played himself in by only taking 32 runs from his first 2 balls, but is then almost cleaned up by the third whilst scouting the crowd for a new missus after his current squeeze's career disappeared out of sight almost as quickly as "Ashes fever" did late in 2005.

Over 6
Cook appears to have got a pint from somewhere. Pietersen smacks ANOTHER for 6 as he casually chats up a female streaker. Umpire looks unhappy but refusing to take action. Vaughan shouts something from the pavilion, he looks cross, and more than a little drunk, it was something about, "I used to be good" I think but it's hard to tell through the slurring.

Over 7
With today's opponents still not identified, Cook's average will not suffer from this so far lacklustre display of sleeping and drinking whilst at the crease. In the press box, the debate about Flintoff's replacement for the India series rages on. Cook perks up to take a quick single from the final ball of the over thus denying KP the strike. He looks cross.

Over 8
Alistair Cook strikes a glorious cover drive while asleep. KP on the boundary colelcting telephone numbers. The ground is covered in pictures of Flintoff - the 'slightly retarded' pose. We have reports that Simon Jones is in an underground bunker shaving his head and body. He has guns and computers, but will not be able to take over the world just yet due to injuries to hip, shoulder, both knees, one ankle, three metatarsals, seventeen fingers and his penis.

Over 9
The Crowd are getting increasingly agitated with the nonchalance of the batting side and are just leaving en masse when - WICKET! - Cook run out! He was lighting his pipe and readjusting his flat cap when he mistook KP's shout of "One there" for the sound of a giraffe dying. The crowd return just in time to see future one-day captain Collingwood stride to the crease.

Over 10
Frankly, what a morning's cricket it's been. We've seen the end of Andrew Strauss' career, Michael Vaughan's intelligent captaincy and encouragement mistaken for drunken abuse and what the hell Cook was up to, we'll never know. Collingwood faces the first delivery from the still unidentified fielding team, forgets where he is and executes a terrific slip catch diving high to his left. Luckily the umpire signals no ball. The next raps Collingwood on the pads, Pietersen mistakenly takes this as a slight against Dickie Bird's good name and has to be persuaded from leaving the field in protest.

Over 11
The umpire has to be persuaded against leaving the field in protest at KP not leaving the field in protest. The fielding team light a spliff whilst England CC and the umpires sort out a sponsorship deal with Nike to provide more jumpers. Collingwood survives his appeal for LBW by disguising himself as a fourth stump and third bail. KP stands guard at the non-strikers end like a Rider from Rohan.